I know how it feels to have breast cancer. I do not know how it feels to live without a breast for almost two years. My friend Larissa, who was diagnosed with breast cancer in her early thirties, shared her journey with me and talked about what it was like not to have immediate reconstruction after her diagnoses and what led her to that decision.
Larissa started out thinking she had ductal carcinoma in situ (DCIS). A mastectomy was decided since the DCIS was widespread throughout the breast. She then met with a plastic surgeon and planned to have immediate reconstruction with an expander. At this point Larissa choose to get a second opinion. The second opinion didn't agree with the first one like she wished.
The appointment at the second opinion was very frightening to Larissa for a few reasons. First, the hospital had just purchased a new high-tech ultrasound machine. Larissa was the lucky one who got to try it out first! Second, what they discovered was that the cancer looked like it had become invasive, breaking out of the milk ducts and also spreading to the lymph nodes. Larissa said she "freaked out".
She knew this would mean chemotherapy and radiation and possibly a lot worse. So she made up her mind to delay reconstruction. Larissa didn't want anything else to go wrong. She said "I want to start fighting".
After the mastectomy the pathology came back that the cancer had indeed become invasive and spread to the lymph nodes. Larissa knew at this point that she would need six months of chemotherapy plus six months of radiation. She knew reconstruction would not happen until it was all over.
Larissa says that when she woke up after surgery without a breast she at first chance went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. "I looked like a boy on one side" she thought. She says it was freaky since she is big chested and it would be very noticeable.
As soon as she was able Larissa went to a specialty shop and was fitted for a prosthesis. She felt it was a relief, being balanced again, but the prosthesis was so heavy and awkward. She said it made her feel like an old lady, not a 32 year old woman.
Larissa wore the prosthesis for a year and half before doctors thought she had healed enough for reconstruction.
Larissa said "It was a long and depressing year and a half". She could not wear the clothes she wanted and it took a toll on her self esteem. She felt damaged.
She was limited in her choices of reconstruction and opted with the Flap procedure, using tissue from her back. It was a complicated surgery with a six week recovery time. Lots of people thought Larissa was crazy for having more surgery. Larissa says "She needed to feel whole again".
Larissa says now that she has had reconstruction she has her zest back and she feels attractive again. She feels free!
Larissa also says that even though that year and a half was horrible she is almost grateful that she went through it. It makes her appreciate her reconstructed self so much more.
Larissa blogs at Welcome to the Dallehouse. Larissa is a singer, songwriter, survivor and enormous pet lover.
1. I didn't have reconstruction after a bilateral masctectomy. I am glad I didn't. I am comfortable without my prosthetics for the most part, and if I want to dress up, I use them. Yes, I do feel like they butchered me. It always comes to mind when I remember seeing woman wanting to become a man, they did surgery and her/his chest was hardly noticible that she had breasts. Mine if scar, deep trenches across and fatty tissue coming out from the sides. The doctor butchered me, and I know it's hideous. For that reason, I know I will never have the opportunity to marry, again. People say it doesn't matter if he really loves me, but that is in a different world than we live. I lost my husband to a heart attack after 28 years, and I have resolved myself to living alone forever, because nobody wants anybody with the scars I have, and no breasts. I don't get reconstruction, because I would have to go back to the VA to do it, and they are the ones that butchered me to start with. If I had done it right away, I am sure they would have done a better job, but at the time, the implants were not safe at all. Now, I am stuck with an ugly chest, but...I look pretty good with clothes on!
Posted at 12:48PM on Aug 28th 2006 by Marilynn