I tend to think of cancer as a gift. I think it helps me prioritize life's details. I believe it has taught me to stress less. I know it's made me more sensitive to others sharing this planet with me. Yes, cancer has made me a better person. And I consider that a gift.This is not how writer Lauren Terrazzano describes her dance with cancer.
"The truth is, having cancer just pisses me off," says Terrazzano.
"I wish I could be one of those people who has had the epiphany, who believes the disease has given me valuable insight into life. OK, I occasionally feel that way, but it might just be the pain medication."
Neither of us is right. We just have different takes on living with a deadly disease. And our opposite viewpoints make for a rather enlightening study on how cancer affects us all so differently.
I regularly write about the blessings I've found in the midst of cancer. So for today's Thought for the Day, I present to you some thoughts from Terrazzano about how cancer is not always a gift.
Think about this:
On cancer making her a better person
I don't really remember what kind of person I was before cancer. While I may not be better, I am definitely blunter.
I often say whatever I want to whomever I want, whenever the moment strikes me. These flashes can be toxic to those around me. I once yelled at a homeless man who asked me for a dollar. I yell at my husband sometimes, arguing about stupid things like how to shove a brisket into the freezer, above the peas and spinach.
And I sometimes wish bad things on bad people. Mostly the high-octane evil people, like Osama bin Laden (Why can't he have to go through chemotherapy? Why can't he have a good dose of radiation?). Are these really the musings of a better person?
On living each day as if it's your last
Nope. Can't do it.
While sometimes I am the carpe diem sort of girl, I want to live each day like just another day. I want to watch When Harry Met Sally for the 17th time or surf the Internet for new pictures of Britney Spears' bald head. Then I want to cap it off by several hours of reading. Forget Tolstoy, though. I'd rather read People magazine. Why do I have to cram life into 20 seconds, while other people have the luxury of doing it over the span of 20 years?
On why she is not so brave
Firefighters and police officers who plunge head first into dangerous situations are brave. A child protective worker who gets paid next to nothing and tries to be a mother to as many as 50 dysfunctional families is brave. Those people chose their positions in life. Cancer chose me. It's not bravery that gets me up every morning to try to beat back the monster. It's a survival instinct that kicks in, pure Darwinism.
The fact is, most of the time I am scared to death. I wear Band-Aids far too long because I can't take the agony of pulling them off. I hate needles (though I don't know anyone who likes them). Why is it that people who hate getting blood drawn are the ones who usually end up with serious illnesses that require getting stuck often? It's a mystery of the universe, much like why tornadoes seem to seek out trailer parks to do their damage.
1. After reading this article, and, many others that have touched my heart in a special way, I wanted to share one of many poems published and written by my Great Gramdfather in 1961. He lost his wife at a very young age, cancer related. He himself died at the age of 95, natural causes. We all should live so long!
Who Wants to Die?
Who wants to die and live in perfect bliss beyond the sky
Away from mortal sin and destiny
To leave this sphere of wickedness and mirth
Of miserable sinners right from birth
Where reason fails and speculation ends
And one feels a desire to make amends?
Poor souls who take the bodkin route
Are judged insane.
Who wants to die?
Not they who prate and preach
To all and sundry quite benighted
Where'er their buyers they can reach
With every sentence copyrighted
Who wants to die?
When morning gilds the sky
And hearts rejoicing cry
With joy of living
When lilies blow their fragrance thru the air
When blue skies greet the awakening morn
To make one glad that she was born
When good deeds spot this murky world
With everlasting hope
Who wants to die?
When still are many flags unfurled
With challenges to cope?
Only when one has done her best
Will heaven provide a perfect rest.
Life should not be
Of pathways dark and deep
Before we sleep.
Who wants to die?
Music-
I love the harmony that comes
From silent lips of flowers
And the breeze that blows through the tall tree tops
After April showers.
Who sings a song has made a prayer
Of gratitude for living
For thankfulness makes her aware
Of feeling full of giving
Thank you for letting me share, these poems have helped me to appreciate life just a little more than before.
My thoughts and prayers are with everyone.
Jason
Posted at 8:44PM on Mar 8th 2007 by Jason Chambers