My husband and I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with a sarcoma. I don't have more specific details about what kind of cancer it is, except that he went to the emergency room with groin pain and the doctors found a mass. Our friend is being treated at the Mayo Clinic, but he and his wife return on weekends, and we have dinners with our large extended family of friends, all together, every Friday night. We have been having these Friday night dinners for years now. We call them Friday Night Literary Society as many of the friends teach in the English department at the local university, or used to, as I did. The point of these dinners, though, is to have fun. It is not to mention cancer, treatment, or anything else. Our friend doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't need the reminder. I'm sure it's never far from his thoughts. I sat next to his wife tonight, and she talked about how well he was responding to treatments, how he wasn't nauseaus from the chemo. The doctors say he will need surgery in August, and will probably have to have his right leg amputated. It's stark and horrible, and we are all affected by it.
Because we are a tight-knit bunch, we all talked among ourselves because we didn't want to ask the family too many questions, didn't know what they needed from us. We all wanted details, but we didn't know how to get them. The family wanted us to know details, but didn't really want to contact everyone individually. Fortunately, or unfortunately, we are a group who has known tragedy. Another friend died of cancer a few years ago. Yet another was covered yesterday in the Survivor Spotlight. There are more. So, the solution to the communication problem is this: Select a point man. Select one person who is responsible for updating everyone else on what is going on.
Think about this:If you have selected someone to give the news, field the questions, arrange to have the lawn and the cats taken care of and the house keys delivered, meals coordinated, etc., then you will have much less that you have to think about. Also? You don't have to convey the same information multiple times and wonder who knows what. You authorize information to go out, and ask someone to take care of it for you.
I have been the point man before, and group emails work wonderfully. Of course, you will need to make sure your point person knows the emails of family and out-of-state friends who will want updates. It is also very simple and easy to go to Blogger.com and create a free blog with the purpose of updating people on the situation. We set one up when another friend had a double brain stem stroke at age 35, and successfully raised money for the family to help offset costs, medical, transportation, lodging, and other.
The simple fact is: Nobody is an island. Even though the cancer may be happening to YOU, your friends and family need a way to talk about it, they need to know what is happening, and they need to know how best to help you. So, consider, early after your diagnosis, assigning a point person to handle communication with the rest of the world. It can make a huge difference to your peace of mind.
