I find myself going to her site often to see how she is doing. It is heartbreaking to read her words at times and encouraging at other times. She is trying to go on -- but how, without her daughter?
Recently, Court's mom posted Its Like a Scab! on her website. Here's what she said:
In fact, I miss so many things. I miss her phone calls letting me know that she is on her way home - I miss hearing her giggle in her room as she talks on her phone to a friend - I miss hearing the tapping of her fingers on the keys of her computer as she responds to several friends at one time on AIM - I miss the way her room smelled of lotion just after her bath - I miss our shopping trips - I miss our girls days with Ashley - I miss seeing the sparkle in her eyes - I miss being in a room with her and being comfortable with the silence - I just miss her....
There is an online community that I think is unknown to most of the world. It is a community of families who are dealing with a child who has a catastrophic illness - many of them are childhood cancer families. I remember when Court was in the hospital, I would spend hours on the computer at night - it was the one thing that I could do without disturbing her sleep. I began reading journals written by mothers whose children were dealing with many of the same things that Court was going through. This community creates a bond among strangers. I have made great friends in this online community. Mothers that I have never met, yet it seems like we have known each other for years. One of these mothers and I have formed a close friendship - her son passed away just weeks after Courtney. We were discussing grief and how at times you feel like you are doing okay and then something happens and you experience the most painful, gut-wrenching grief. Anyway, she described it perfectly (Ruth, I hope you don't mind me sharing this) - even though we think we can't possibly miss them more than we do, there is always that one thing that pushes it all back to the front and basically brings that grief right back into full swing. Kind of like tearing a scab off a not quite healed wound. I'm waiting for it to heal, but I don't think it's ever going to. From talking to other's who are farther along in this journey than we are, I'm finding out that the wound is always going to be sitting there waiting for the scab to be pulled off-months from now, even years from now-and something "silly" is going to pull it off. I think these past few weeks, the scab is being pulled off quite regularly.
Saturday will be 8 months since Courtney passed away. In many ways, it seems like I have already lived an eternity without her - and in other ways, it seems like it was just yesterday. But, in every way - I miss her...
1. Dear Kristina,My eyes are welling with tears literally, from just reading your blog.I know how horribly youre hurting & miss her terribly.I have 3 children 17, 7, & 6,and less then a year ago, my 7 year old was fighting for her life in the icu pediatric ward with pnuemonia.she has gotten from school,a fast moving upper respiratory ciral, that went 1 day later into pnuemonia.I prayed & prayed I wouldnt lose her...she did after 1 week in the hospital come thru, but ever since she had this bout, in 10-06-shes been now suffering with asthma as a result-shes on daily meds, & has to have breathing treatments, unfortunatey, has wheezing quite often.Anyhow,Im thankful every single day, that God has blessed me with their presence,for how long we have then ,noone can be sure.But,I was close to losing her,and I hope that this asthma battle she can fight as well.I know how much you love, and miss Courtney Nicole.I can imagine the pain you are going thru.My daughter I was just talking about, & her 6 year old sister, last week gave 10 inches of hair each to locks of love.and a week later, their Grandmother, my wonderful Mom, had underwent, a partial breast masectomy, due to being diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer.This week, we found out theres a spot now in her lymph nodes, so I am scared Kristina,and I have been finding out just how overwelming cancer is.I along with my sister, are researching all we can find out about which chemo-or treatment is the best-to fight this horrible disease.I wish you the best Kristina, in dealing with your loss of your beautiful girl.God bless you.take care,........lisa
Posted at 4:56AM on Jul 22nd 2007 by lisa