After several weeks of hiding and down time, a few weeks ago I made an official announcement to the non profit organization that I founded Indie Music For Life and its two entities Laughs For Life and Indiegrrl. I dropped off of this blog page for a month and am ready to write again. I needed a break. A break to sort through things. To sort through life.

When you or a loved one are diagnosed with cancer it changes your life. Finding out you have cancer takes your breath away and from that point your breath is the most valuable thing to you in your life. Breath and time. Nothing is normal any more. Not your dreams, your nightmares, and not your waking moments.

A personal diagnosis of chronic myloid leukemia in February sent me into a whirlwind of emotions. At that point, all the fear, terror, and stomach knots from my past rounds of cancer came back. Nobody free of cancer could ever appreciate how utterly devastating the news of contracting it could be and the news that it has returned is even more devastating because you know what uphill climbs you must make again. Once you have been diagnosed with cancer you always look over your shoulder for the beast to return. He has caught up with me several times now and so I am speeding up in my race trying to see who is the best long distance runner. Every ache you feel or every little un-ordinary thing that happens with your body sends you into " What If " mode. It is extremely hard living in that mode of thinking but you can't avoid it.

My past struggles with cancer were very private. But then I was not the head of a non profit organization that raises money for cancer research and educational awareness on the powers of music and laughter as therapy for cancer patients. I wasn't the head of the largest networking group of female songwriters known as Indiegrrl that has since become a part of Indie Music for Life. Laughs For Life had not even been thought of yet and now with the direction and help of good friend and comedian Shelly Ryan it is now a reality. I hadn't even started my music career. Having cancer is what lead me to pursue my career in music and chase my dreams. It wasn't until I started working on my CDs that my cancer became really public other than with my close friends and family and then working to set up the Indie Music For Life non profit put it out there even more.

The beloved member of our family, Spotted Calamity Jane, the oldest of our two Dalmatians had to be put down on February 17. It was the hardest decision I personally ever had to make, knowing when it was time to put her out of too much pain. The tears continue to flow and I know will for a long time. She had survived breast cancer at the age of 4 and continued to live a happy life loving her runs on the beach. 2 1/2 years ago she was diagnosed with renal failure, something that is irreversible but we continued to give her a low protein diet and top notch vet care and monitoring that included some acupuncture. It came to a point where we knew the pain was outweighing the good quality of life and the end was not far away and it was time to end the suffering. For 13 years she brought us joy and laughter and unconditional love. She was the leader and companion to our other 8 year old Dalmatian Kiva, who is deaf and followed Cally everywhere watching everything that she did. Watching the two of them running and playing on the beach in the water and sand are memories I will always carry. So we decided to have Cally cremated so we could spread her ashes out on the beach that she loved so much.

Then we were faced with another heart break. Seventeen days later we were told that her ashes had been lost and it floored us. It sent me curled up in a bed crying for a whole day. Family members and friends were outraged as our hearts once again tried to overcome the loss. We were told to get an attorney and sue for compensation. In quietness I walked through the trails in the woods near our house and thought what good could come from all of this. The vet of course refunded our money and offered to buy a memorial stone or something for us. I told him we would think about things. Then I decided that her life and the joy that she brought us should go to something positive and that I did not want to go through the stress and negativity of a law suit and staring at a meaningless stone memorial would not make it any better. That wouldn't change anything. So I suggested to the vet and the cremation services company, to donate money to my favorite charity, Indie Music For Life, that works with independent singer songwriters and comedians to raise money for cancer research and educational awareness programs on the benefits of music and laughter as therapy to cancer patients. This turned the tragedy into a positive. We have the great memories of her life with us and the knowledge that even in her death she has brought more good to the world. Cally is the beautiful dark colored Dalmatian on the left in this picture. Her spots continued to grow and grow which made her look like a black Dalmatian with white spots. We called her "our little negative" for those of you in the photography field that understand reverse imaging. She was a rare jewel and always a positive in our lives.