This e-mail just arrived in my inbox. It's one of those chain things -- you know, the read this and forward it to 11 people or all your plumbing will blow up messages. And while I don't tend to pass on to friends and family these types of scare tactics, I realize that the words that follow are definitely worth a read.

So I've extracted all warning and threats from the message I received, and I've pared it down to a very funny piece of prose I believe will strike a chord with women everywhere who know how very important -- and how very painful and humiliating -- the dreaded mammogram can be.

And so here it is, in all it's glory. Read it, absorb it, love it, and pass it on. Or don't pass it on. I'll be OK with your decision either way. Promise.

Go Get Your Mammies Grammed

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And I always wore my bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr Pruitt,
Said I should get a Mammogram
"OK," I said, "let's do it."
"Stand up here real close" she said,
(She got my boob in line),
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
"Ah yes! Right there, that's fine."
She stepped upon a pedal,
I could not believe my eyes!
A plastic plate came slamming down,
My hooters in a vise!
My skin was stretched and mangled,
From underneath my chin.
My poor boob was being squashed,
To Swedish Pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
Within it's viselike grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
My poor defenseless tit!
"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
Who does she think she's kidding?!?
My chest is mashed in her machine,
And woozy I am getting.
"There, that's good," I heard her say,
(The room was slowly swaying.)
"Now, let's have a go at the other one."
Have mercy, I was praying.
It squeezed me from both up and down,
It squeezed me from both sides.
I'll bet SHE'S never had this done,
To HER tender little hide.
Next time that they make me do this,
I will request a blindfold.
I have no wish to see again,
My knockers getting steam rolled.
If I had no problem when I came in,
I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
It would have gone "ker-pow!"
This machine was created by a man,
Of this, I have no doubt.
I'd like to stick his balls in there,
And, see how THEY come out!

Author Unknown

This makes two in one week:

In yet another example of contradictory research, some scientists now believe that beta carotene does not offer any benefit in the fight against cancer. Prior to some of these new findings, all previous data I came across (and still continue to come across) posits just the opposite.

Beta carotene, an antioxidant found in such foods as squash and carrots, was -- and still is, in some circles -- considered a powerful cancer fighter and a combatant against free-radical damage. While the evidence regarding the latter still, at least ostensibly, holds true, some new research suggests that beta-carotene is completely ineffective as a cancer fighter (of course, it can be argued that by helping to fight against free-radical damage, beta carotene is also battling against the increased risk of developing cancer). Just the same, what is perhaps the even more shocking discovery is that beta carotene may actually increase the chances of lung cancers in smokers (note: beta carotene, although not effective in battling cancer, demonstrated signs of increasing lung cancer risk in smokers only. There was no evidence to suggest that beta carotene could increase one's risk of developing any other type of cancer. Simply, it just won't help fight it against it, though.).

Too many studies, too many dissenting opinions. All we want is accurate, well-researched information. Is that too much to ask?

My mom goes for a mammogram today -- which reminds me of a time when this test meant nothing to me, a time when all I needed to know was that women my mom's age went for this procedure that squashes and squeezes and manipulates breasts so that pictures can be taken and tissue can be studied. I thought that I would be 40 years old when I went for my own mammogram and that I would casually learn that everything looked normal -- that breast cancer was of no concern. But it didn't happen this way -- instead I went for my first mammogram at age 34, six years earlier than recommended, because I felt an odd lump. And I learned that cancer was of concern. I learned that I had breast cancer. And so now, as I am about to turn 36, I have had three mammograms and will return every six months for the rest of my life for this test. By age 40, I'll be a pro.

I once thought a family history of breast cancer trickled down from the older women in a family -- that a grandmother might have it first, then her daughter, then her daughter. Like a chain reaction. But now I know that family history can start with anyone, at any age. I started this chain in my family.  And there is no telling whether or not the chain will break or will hold strong. So the women in my family are now followed almost as closely as I am. And mammograms occur frequently for us all.

I was once unaffected by my mom's mammograms.  Now I am more aware, more prepared for the seriousness of this exam, more humbled because of my own experience. And today I hope that my mom learns casually that everything looks normal -- that breast cancer is of no concern.

Most of the time we think of protein as meats, beans, and soy. We don't often think of seeds as protein but several seeds that keep the body alkalized are classified as proteins. Pumpkin seeds, squash seeds, sunflower seeds, and flax seeds are a great source of protein and make great snacks. Flax seed has been determined to be a cancer fighting agent. Be sure to grind them up for full nutritional value so your body does not pass them through undigested. A coffee grinder is great for this. I have two coffee grinders. One for coffee and one for flax seed.

Here are two things that I like to do with flax seeds to add to my daily regimen of cancer fighting foods. I sprinkle 1/4 cup of ground flax seed on my cereal or oatmeal giving it a natural nutty taste. I also like to add 2 tablespoons of ground flax seed to my ground coffee just before brewing. It gives the coffee a great nutty taste and the boiling water in the process will bring out the natural flax seed oil in my coffee making it an even healthier drink in the morning.